Kind of like a journal, right?

So, now that word is out about me not being able to return to my mission. What's next?

Well, to be completely honest, I have no idea.
Trust me, I have been falling apart because of that.
My life wasn't supposed to 'start' for another 4 months. And even then, I just imagined that everything would fall into place when I returned, ya know?
Not reality though.

I have known for a little bit that I wasn't going to be able to return to my mission. I think I knew when I left the mission field, because I was a lot sicker than I thought I was. And the Lord made it fairly clear.
I fought, and fought, and fought. I continued to think that if I was more obedient, if I was more diligent, if I was more consecrated, I would be healed and the Lord would see my desires were overcoming my illness. Even when I came home, I fought with my whole self to heal, to get better, so I could return to the mission field.
I'm now learning the importance in understanding, and applying, what I have been teaching people for the past year, and what I've always believed in my life.
For some reason, I have had a lot harder time swallowing the fact that the Lord knows best right now. I imagined that since I was doing His work, He would let me do it.
I'm starting to realize, and hopefully will accept, the fact that part of doing His work includes taking care of myself, and doing work at home.

I have had many opportunities to strengthen my family, to strengthen my friends, and to rekindle friendships that were in dire need to be brought back to activity. I have had opportunities to be humbled, to learn more of my weaknesses, and to recognize that I still have a lot of changes to make. I have learned to be submissive, to listen, and to apply. Everyone has opportunities to put their testimonies to the test, to put their spiritual knowledge to the test, and I am facing one of those opportunities right now.
I have never felt so at peace spiritually as I have the past few months. But I have also felt so completely lost, unsure, insecure, and ultimately failing. I have felt like I'm truly lost, and not really wandering, because I still know who I am, and whose I am, and where I will end up.

So here's to another journey. Here's to accepting my reality.
I have a lot of progress to make. Like accepting the fact that I will have to live in the now, instead of living in my mission. I have to find God's plan for me and follow it, instead of fighting and being stubborn. I need to accept that I'm no longer set apart as a full-time missionary, but as a forever disciple of Jesus Christ. I have covenants and commandments to keep. There are people to love, service to render, and fun to be had.

Thanks for all of the love and support I have received on my journey thus far, and for the patience I sometimes require. I seem to 'set out' on these 'journeys' to find myself, when in reality, it is just what life is. We are here to define ourselves and to become like our Savior. Thank you for the love despite myself, and for being there even when I haven't always been there in return.

Lil' Miss <3