Happy 6 months!

Obviously my blogging skills have taken a blow. So I'm doing this a day early, because we all know I won't be doing it tomorrow!

6 months ago tomorrow, I returned home from my mission. I had 3 days to prepare myself, pack, and say my goodbyes to the people I loved with all my heart. My first 3 months of being home were spent in anger, sadness, and longing to return to the mission field as a full-time missionary. I cried every day, I blocked the world out knowing I'd return to mission rules. I avoided people, put an expiration date on my being home, and lived in the future and the past-anything but the present.

The last 3 months have been a bit different. I miss my mission every single day. I miss being a missionary, I miss wearing my name tag. I miss the stress of other's receiving the Restored Gospel more than my own salvation. I miss having that mantle. I miss being recognized as a Representative of Jesus Christ just by seeing the black tag attached to my clothing. I miss being happy. But I have also come to realize, that this is all the Lord's will. And my accepting of it has allowed me to grow and do His work the way He wants it done-not how I think it should be done. He knows, oh He knows better than anyone how badly I wished to return to my mission. He knows the pain I've felt, my heart being ripped in two. He knows the tears I've shed, the embarrassment I've born, the frustration I have with my body and my situation. He knows what I want. Yet, He has loved me enough to continue to show me what He wants, and that what He wants is infinitely more powerful and meaningful than what I want. I had a hard time understanding, because if what I want is to do His will, why isn't He letting me do it? I have righteous desires, I have meaningful goals. What I failed to see is that if I am really wanting to do His will, if I really have righteous desires, if I really have meaningful goals, then I need to trust in His will, His desires, and His goals for me. If I am really His servant and representative, why am I fighting Him every step of the way? Why have I been so close minded to think that I can't be happy being home like I was in the mission field? Why have I been so angry when I have been doing as He asked of me specifically?
I am doing missionary work at home. I am providing others with opportunities to return to live with their Father in Heaven. I am helping others to see and feel the love of God. I have an awesome opportunity to be with my family, and help strengthen them. I volunteer as a youth mentor, helping youth who haven't had good examples to change, to see that just because you have had a bad past does not mean you need to have a bad future. I am not perfect, and the Lord is helping me to remember this and act on this every single day.
I am learning to pay attention to my body, to provide it with the things it needs. I am learning to pay attention to my spirit, and to provide it with the things it needs. I am standing as a representative of Jesus Christ in my words, my actions, and my thoughts. I am learning, as every person does, that it is possible to maintain God's law in a world which hates and discriminates against it. It is possible to be His in the midst of a world who hates, despises, and rejects Him.
Aside from being in the temple, I'm sure that Satan works against me every second of every minute of every day. I feel his attacks constantly. But, I feel God's presence more. I feel His love, His hand, His help. I recognize there is darkness-I have just chosen not to dwell in it.

These past 6 months have been quite an experience. I am continuing to learn more about myself and God's love for me. I am continuing to learn who I am, and find who I am. Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing it alone. But I know I am never left unattended.
I wouldn't trade my 11 months and 3 weeks in the mission field for anything. I also wouldn't trade the last 6 months for anything.. I would be coming home in 4 weeks with the missionaries I started my journey with. I came home when the Lord needed me to. I served Him fully, and with my whole heart. I was honorably released. And now, I am continuing to learn how I can serve him in a different position of His royal army. I am no longer pretending to be who I was before, and I am starting to be who I am now.

I love my Savior Jesus Christ. I love my Heavenly Father, and I know without a doubt that They love me. I am a daughter of the Almighty God who created all things, and He has great things in store for me, and each of us as His children. I know that all is in God's hands, and even though I may be stubborn and bossy and fight it at times, I know He is in charge. I know that the Atonement is real, and because of Jesus Christ, I am healed and cleansed. I know that every single one of us can change and become something better than we ever could on our own with the Atonement. I know Jesus Christ is the Only Begotten Son of God. I know that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ, and it is true. Because of that truth, Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and Thomas S. Monson is the prophet today. I know that these men are imperfect, but God has chosen them and will continue to guide them in guiding us. I know that families can be together forever, and I cannot wait to have my eternal family. I am so excited to be a mother and a wife, in building God's kingdom. I know that things don't always go according to my plan, but they will always go according to His. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, and I will lay down my life defending His name.