Things I've Come to Know Since Returning Home Early

Let me set a backdrop...

Two years ago today, I was in Box Elder, South Dakota,

serving as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

It was a Friday, and it was a day I had been denying would ever come. 

I had been fighting through illness for 5 months,

spending many days a week in doctor's offices

and frequent calls with my mission nurse and my mission mom.

(These women are living proof of angels administering among us.)

My aching fear every day was that I would receive a call from my mission president, telling me that I was going home early.

Two weeks prior to this Friday, my body had very little strength.

Going out and working for more than 3 hours at a time completely exhausted me,

and forced my body to shut down.

I had a hard time keeping food down, or eating anything, really.

I had been fighting daily migraines for months now, but they got increasingly worse.

A week prior to this Friday,

I had even more trouble with keeping food down,

my migraines were consistent, 

I was developing ulcers in my throat and on the roof of my mouth,

my vision was blurring (more blurry than normal, I should say!),

and my skin constantly hurt to touch.

On Wednesday, January 29, I went to my doctor, because my mission president had told me to.

My dear companion, and members from the ward I was serving in,

had reached out to my mission president and informed him of how sick I really had been.

My doctor, unaware of the purposes or schedule of missionaries,

told me that my body was clearly attacking itself because it was not able to rest.

I asked her how I could become better quickly,

and her response was "Sleep. For two weeks straight. And don't do anything else."

I thought, "Sweet! President will definitely let me just sleep in the mission home for two weeks, stick my companion with another companionship, and I'll be good to go."

I had received multiple priesthood blessings,

which promised that the Lord was aware of me and my desires,

and that if I was obedient

to the counsel of my doctors, and my mission president, I would be healed.

This was my test-and I would be the most obedient missionary that mission had ever seen!

My plan was not the Lord's plan.

After my doctor's appointment, and a quick lesson with one of our less actives, I called my mission president to deliver the good news of how I could be healed.

His response was not what I wanted. It took my breath away.

He said, "Sister Rodriguez, you need to come speak with our mission doctor about your condition.

I also will contact Salt Lake about you staying here.

I am afraid they may not let you stay."

The drive into the mission office

was one of the longest drives of my life,

and it was because I knew the Spirit was preparing me for what was to come

.

Our mission doctor explained to me that I was too sick,

and my health was obviously not improving.

Since I could not perform normal missionary duties,

it was impossible for me to be 100% obedient,

because my body couldn't let me.

My desire was there, but I was hindering the Lord's work because of my lack of health. 

His suggestion to missionary headquarters was that I return home,

6 months early,

with the hope that I could return to the mission field

if my health improved within 2-6 months.

I disagreed entirely.

The last thing I wanted was to go home.

I loved being a missionary, I never wanted to stop being a full-time missionary.

I cried, and cried, and cried, and the doctor softly asked me to pray about it.

Oh, how I prayed.

I had a steady stream of reasons why I should stay in the mission,

how I could stay in the mission,

and who needed me in the mission.

As soon as I stopped telling God what I wanted,

and gave a second for Him to tell me,

I received the clearest, quickest, and most difficult answer I have ever had.

And again, my plan was not the Lord's plan.

I cried to the Lord,

I told Him all that I feared and was concerned about.

The Spirit strongly confirmed that it would all work out. 

Thursday was a waiting game.

President had spoken to headquarters, and we were waiting for a response.

My mission president had instructed that my companion and I stay in that day,

as my health was not well enough to be out proselyting.

I had done everything I had been asked to do

so that I could remain in the mission field, and this was now out of my hands.

Friday came, and my mission mom called.

I knew as soon as I heard her voice that I was going home.

My mom and my stake president had already been contacted,

and I would fly out Tuesday morning to Salt Lake City to begin healing my body.

To say my heart was broken, I'm not sure that does it justice.

I loved being a missionary.

I had always planned to serve a mission, and to help bring others to the Savior.

I gave everything I had,

and desired nothing more than to serve my God,

and yet, He was sending me home.

And then the plethora of other anxieties began to cross my mind.

What would people think of me?

What rumors would surface about my service?

About my worthiness?

Would people look at me different?

Would I ever be lovable by a worthy priesthood holder?

How will I explain this in a way others could clearly understand?

My friends?

My family?

My future children?

Would my mission friends view me as a failure?

Would my people I am teaching think that I gave up on them?

Will they give up on me?

Will they give up on themselves?

Will the Lord accept my service, when I served with all my heart, might, mind, and soul,

but not the full 18 months I had been called to serve?

Will I ever receive a calling again?

What did I do wrong?

How could I have been more obedient?

Why is the Lord doing this to me?

Does God even love me?

Because, I thought, if He loved me, He would have healed me.

He would not make me do this.

Fast forward 2 years.

At the time, I thought this was the end of my life.

I genuinely believed this experience would kill me.

Surprise!!!

It didn't.

Because this was part of God's plan.

And even though my finite vessel couldn't handle it, He could.

I consider my experience of coming home among my most tender experiences.

Be it according to the will of the Lord.

But behold, our work is not yet finished;

(Alma 14:13)

Things I've learned about returning home early from your mission honorably:

What God thinks of you,

and what you think of you,

is much more important than what anyone else could think of you.

An early release is not a label to classify you as unworthy or unlovable.

If anything, it is an opportunity for you to shine through a very humbling trial.

It is God's plan, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Returning home from a mission,

that you have fully immersed yourself in the work,

is hard-regardless if you served the full expected time or not.

It is a new world.

You have experienced such sacred and holy things,

and almost suddenly, it feels like the Spirit is no longer with you in the same way.

When in reality, the Spirit is now holding you differently.

The methods of maintaining your relationship

with your Heavenly Father will change, but it doesn't have to dissolve.

I spent a lot of time being angry, hurt, and distancing myself from my Heavenly Father.

I felt like He was punishing me, so I was going to punish Him back.

But He was loving me, not punishing me.

So love God, and keep Him near.

He gives us obstacles and adversity

because He loves us,

and He will never leave us alone.

I was really discouraged,

and so were the elders who had given me blessings,

to see that my priesthood blessings were not being fulfilled.

However, they were-just not in the ways I was looking for them.

Heavenly Father is aware of me,

He is aware of my desires.

Something I also struggled with was that if I was obedient,

I would be healed.

Here I am, two years later,

and my body still has not returned to how it was before.

It probably never will.

But my heart has been healed.

My spirit has healed.

And I have repented, and received forgiveness.

When I face hard things, I put walls up and block people out.

The people I am closest to will be pushed away.

But there are angels among us, that push through those walls to love us.

My mission mom, mission nurse, and my companion and members were proof of that.

And upon returning home,

I had people that loved me,

even when I was broken, angry, and tired.

It is said that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Love the people that love you.

And let them show you how to love yourself.

There is a lot of doubt when you come home

if what you gave was truly enough for the Lord,

if you gave enough,

and if He'll accept it.

Heavenly Father loves us.

And His value and judgements are far more than our mortal eyes can see or understand.

Your mission does not end when you take off your name tag.

Being a full-time missionary is a workshop that prepares you

to be a lifelong disciple of Jesus Christ.

It is extremely difficult for the Lord's refinement in a noisy world.

Partake of the blessings from taking Christ's name upon you,

and call down the blessings of heaven.

"When I feel jealous of someone else's opportunity, calling, influence, or position, am I really just telling God that I don't have faith in what He is doing with me?"

-Brad Wilcox

I struggled with this jealousy,

and sometimes I find myself still feeling jealousy of other's.

Other people that have the opportunity to serve their full-time as missionaries.

Others influences being greater than mine.

The steps others easily have placed before them,

when I can't even find the next footstep for me to move to.

"Consider the possibility that God sees the potential for your life

in a way that you have not seen yet -- or are afraid to see.

He is ready for you to choose to become the person He has always known you to be."

-Laurel Christensen

Try looking at your life through God's eyes,

instead of your own.

Because we're different||

I had really good intentions to study and get some homework done tonight...

this is where I ended up.

I have lately been obsessed with the Divergent series, which I will highly recommend to anyone looking for a good read. looking for inspiration. and looking for a reality check of how we sometimes think, feel, and act.

Throughout reading this brilliant story, I have realized, and I think certain world events have helped to stir these thoughts as well, is the importance of how we treat one another. 

I feel like everywhere I turn, there is criticism. 

Assumptions and attacks are made every day 

because of the differences between race, sexual orientation, religion, and even if we wear white pants after Labor Day.

 (I definitely feel that heat when I wear my white capris on a 90 degree October day)

Sorry if I spoil anything regarding this book series, but in Allegiant, a lot of emphasis is placed on those that are genetically damaged versus genetically pure. Throughout this whole part of this story, I couldn't help but relate that discrimination to how the world is becoming today.

I am a Christian. 

I am a very active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

I will never deny that fact, and I consider my membership one of the greatest blessings in my life. And guess what! 

I have friends that are not LDS. 

Crazy thought, huh?

I have friends that are less active Mormons. 

I have friends that drink, smoke, and gamble. 

I have friends that are straight, and I have friends that are gay.

I have friends that are active members of the LDS faith, but fall short.

There are people that I love very much and hold very close to my heart 

that are battling with addictions to alcohol, drugs, pornography, and Netflix. 

I have wonderful examples that show me daily what real Christlike love is

and they have not set foot in any type of a church in years.

I attend my church meetings, 

study the Bible and Book of Mormon, 

and I worship in His holy temples. 

Those things alone will not save me and my salvation

-how I apply what I learn in these commitments do. 

Whether others are Mormon, Muslim, Catholic, Jewish, or atheist; republican, democrat, or neither; addicts or sobriety lifestyle; married or single; straight, bisexual, or gay: each and every one of us is a precious child of God, and He loves each of us equally.

There seems to be a caution that because others participate in activities contrary to our beliefs, they should be embarrassed, ridiculed, or ignored because they're beliefs differ from our own. Whether those activities include being active in a religion when you're not/are not religious when you are, support a certain political party, or have a belief you do not understand. Recently, I have heard unkind, offensive, and frightening things said regarding Christians, and Mormons specifically, without those individuals knowing me and my story.

These make me think what happened to create this hostility and criticism of my religion and beliefs that ultimately teach kindness, care, and obedience to God's commandment to love one another, as I have loved you love one another. John 13:34

I am not condoning sin, as God has laws which He has created for our own good and benefit. 

I have many frailties and sins that I myself have to overcome, 

as well as everyone else. 

But I am not responsible to dictate punishment (thank heavens, because I would be really hard on myself!)

And here's another cool fact: God loves them, and He loves me. His laws are unchanging, but so is His love-it is always there. He has made it very clear to me, as well, that the most important thing is that I love them too. 

I have come in contact with many different types of people in my short 23 years of life. 

I have been raised by many different circumstances and situations throughout this time, 

and I have come to learn more about my God because of these differences. 

As a member of the Mormon faith, I am taught to love, show kindness, and teach by persuasion. Jesus Christ taught this in His word and deed. 

In all honesty, I am terrified to face my God if I do not live in a way that He did-especially when I claim to represent Him and His name based off of the covenants I have made.

The fear of another's sins rubbing off on me is not a reality because I know whose I am, and who I am, and who I stand for. 

I have my own sins to correct and resolve, that to notice and judge another's sins and actions is too exhausting, and is not for my finite mind to resolve. 

In the grand scheme of things, it's not about who you insult, avoid, or criticize in order to make your point that Christ is the way. 

Your words, as well as your actions, reflect who you follow. 

It's about who you loved, served, and comfort that shows that Christ is the way. And I hope and pray I will always be caught in the act of showing kindness when He comes again... 

So let's be kind with our words, whether spoken verbally or expressed on social media. Let's show love amidst trial and hardship, regardless of how those trials and hardships came about.

Be kind.

Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

-John Watson

I love my Heavenly Father, and my Savior Jesus Christ. I am weak without them, and they show me unconditional love, mercy, and kindness. I am His daughter, and as a disciple of Christ, I am striving to exemplify the love and genuine kindness He has for others to the best of my ability. 

Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of y God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

Alma 26:12

[As of lately]

 Obviously, summer semester killed me. My last blog post was right before the semester started... sorry about it.


This summer has been a blast and a half.
My best friend got married...

I went to New York for my first time...

 

 

I ran Ragnar..

 

 

I went back and visited my beloved mission...

 

My mission president and mission mom came home,

And I was reunited with many mission friends.

 

 

 

 





I have had a summer full of blissful moments, and experiences that have made my heart so incredibly happy. A happiness that I've been longing for.
But these moments were somewhat fleeting. They were moments that I have found myself clinging to, clinging to that happiness and joy.

I'll be the first to admit I have a pretty good life.

I have a great job that I love.

I'm in school, doing what I love-learning.

My family unconditionally loves me, and I them.

I am blessed with great friends, who are truly gifts from God.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

Christ's church that is restored on the earth.

 

Unfortunately, the order in which I listed these blessings,

is the order in which my time is prioritized too.

I have noticed that my concerns have been more focused on resolutions at work, rather than resolutions in my salvation.

I stay up late to finish assignments and tests, and quickly read my scriptures before bed; rather than getting up early to study my scriptures.

I call my mom on my way home from work, but sometimes forget to say my morning prayers.

Because of conflicting schedules, I get to hang out with my friends once in a while. And as of lately, my temple attendance has been as infrequent.

 

 

...Wherefore, because of their blindness, which blindness came by looking beyond the mark, they must needs fall.

Jacob 4:14

 

In no way has my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ disappeared,

but feasting on the words of Christ has not been a priority in my schedule.

My worship in the Lord's house has fallen behind my 'worship' of my job, social media, homework, and sleep.

I have been asking the Lord for things I want, but not fulfilling my part for the things I need.

 



 

There is no greater calling, no greater challenge, and no greater source of joy—both proximate joy and ultimate joy—than that which is found in the process of discipleship. This process brings its own joys and reassurances. We must not, however, expect the world to understand or to value our discipleship; they will not. In a way, they may admire us from afar, but they will be puzzled about the priorities resulting from our devotion.

Neil A. Maxwell

 

 

Wherefore, we must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ,

having a perfect brightness of hope,

and a love of God and of all men.

Wherefore, if ye shall press forward,

feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end,

behold, thus saith the Father:

Ye shall have eternal life.

2 Nephi 31:20

 

I've come to realize in the past couple of weeks that the reasoning for these fleeting happy moments is because I am not living in a way to solidify happiness. Is it really that hard for me to give myself to the Lord? When He is willing to make so much more of me?

 

The Lord loves us, and He truly wants us to experience the joy that never ceases. And I'm eternally grateful for the Lord calling me to repentance, and helping me realize how important He really is.

 

 

 



||He loves us, so we must love Him in return||

'There are songs in everyone, and God can hear every one of them.'

:The Emma Smith Story

I've been reminded lately of the immense love that our Father in Heaven has for us.
While serving in the temple last night, I was overcome with the sacred love that God has for His sons and daughters.
Reflecting on the beautiful ordinances and covenants we make in the temple, as well as the promises given to us, I was reminded of the celestial importance which Heavenly Father has placed on our souls, and our bodies.
I get so frustrated with my body, as I'm sure many of us do. Everyone wants to be loved, and valued, and feel of worth. And that's okay, because God loves me anyways.
He loves my soul,
       my heart,
               my mind,
                       my perspectives,
                             my imperfections and strengths-He loves me, in all of my forms.

He loves me with a love that I am too weak to comprehend.

I fear some of us try to put Telestial perimeters on a Celestial Being, as I know I do.
I tend to think of Telestial limits to place on my God, who is not of this world.
God has divine insight, as He is the divine craftsman of us all.

Since we are products of a Divine Being, we also have divine potential. 

And luckily, God loves us-even when we hold ourselves back from this potential. 

I think the greatest potential we have is our ability to rise up to bear the burdens placed upon us.

'Strength isn't something you have, it's something you find.' :The Emma Smith Story

And this strength is something we find through our Savior Jesus Christ.

Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yeah, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless--whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day. Yea, and thus it was with this people. : Mosiah 23:21-22

Alma and his people were under great afflictions, including king Laman forbid the people from praying. Yet "And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts." : Mosiah 24:12

The Lord knows that He asks much of us-He chastens us

to help us to grow and mold into who we came to this earth to become.

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. / And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter; and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. : Mosiah 24:13-14

If God allows for trials and hardships to come, then He certainly will also allow for strength and stamina to be placed within us.
Often times, we are given tasks and trails that are above our own-but they are not beyond the potential which we have to rise to the occasion.

I am certain that the adversity we face is one of the greatest tokens of love which God offers to us in our mortal experience.
He tries us because He knows of our potential to grow into the strength to bear the burdens placed upon us.
He tries us because He loves us, and He loves us despite the weakness and sin we fall into.

The greatest gift you will ever learn 

is just to love, and to be loved in return. 

: Moulin Rouge

This greatest gift is life altering when applied to our relationship with our Heavenly Father. He loves us, and we must love Him in return.

Divine desires (Emma's Blessing in the Emma Smith Story:)

• I desire the Spirit of God to know and understand myself
• I hope to perform all of the work that I covenanted to do in the Spirit World
• That I may be able to comprehend the designs of God without doubting
• I hope to be able to acknowledge the hand of God in all things
• I desire with all my heart to honor and respect my husband
• I hope to be able to retain a place in which God has given me by His side.

Happy Mothers Day to my best friend <3

A Masterpiece with Infinite Worth

I finally have a laptop, which means I can finally update my blog!

Anybody else have bad days? Bad weeks? Bad months?
Usually, everyday has a bad minute or two. Some have a few bad hours.
And despite all of this-we have such a beautiful life! Life is beautiful because we are God's children, and He loves us.

I feel like when my life has consecutive moments that are particularly more stretching than others. I get caught in that trap of beating myself up, feeling like I'm less than worthy of anything that could be good.
It's incredibly discouraging when we become so spiritually blind that the things we know deep within ourselves are silenced and ignored. This can happen to all of us-regardless of our spirituality or activity in the Gospel. Satan sees these weaknesses and sneaks in when our guards are down, even for a second, and causes as much damage as possible. It is the same in any instance when we let our guard down in those moments when we choose not to listen to a prompting from the Spirit, or forget to read our scriptures, or lose track of our conversations with the Lord. These instances are what Satan waits for, when he sneak attacks.

What do we do in moments like these when we become spiritually blind to our true and infinite worth?

 I can't imagine my life without this temple. I am so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by temples, and even if I don't have time to participate in an ordinance, I can sit on the grounds.

Every hour of my day is planned with working full time + overtime, institute, volunteering, working in the temple, and starting school, along with training to run the Ragnar Wasatch Back this June.

 In a busy, hectic schedule,

 there is nothing more healing and peaceful 

than my time with the Lord. 

In the time that I dive into the scriptures, 

the long conversations I have on my 45 minute drive to work/home with Him, 

and the time I spend working as an ordinance worker, 

it allows me to remember:

life doesn't need to be so busy when I'm with Him.

 I am always anxiously engaged in something, but being engaged in heavenly things brings me closer to my Heavenly Father.

Remembering and knowing our Father in Heaven is the greatest way to regain spiritual sight in the most important of things: Remembering who we are, and our worth to Him.

If Satan can gain control of us by making us think we can't accomplish what we were sent here to do, then he can make it that much harder for Heavenly Father's work to come to pass. And Satan knows that. But what he also knows, is that we are stronger than him. We have what he will never have-we have bodies. Bodies that he and his angels target and criticize and abuse because they can never have them, and they want the power that we already possess.

So here's to this life. Here's to the infinite worth that we will always be able to claim because we are children of God, regardless of what we do. Here's to defeating Satan, and knowing that we will always be worth it in the eyes of the Lord. We have to allow the Lord the ability to remind us of who we are-because He will always be more than willing. We have bad days, we have good days, and we have opposition in all things. But this truly is a beautiful life, and we are a masterpiece in the Almighty God's beautiful plan.

Alma 36:3

And now, O my son Helaman (O my daughter Olivia), 

behold, thou art in thy youth 

and therefore I beseech of thee, that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; 

for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God 

shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, 

and shall be lifted up at the last day.

So I deleted my Facebook...

... Which means that this blog may just go into oblivion because I don't share it on my own page.

So why did I chose to delete Facebook?

Because social media takes over my life. 
Every spare second of my day goes to checking statuses on FB, looking at photos on Insta, or seeing whose life is on Snap Chat. Every second of my day was consumed of work (which is me resolve problems with workers comp claims),
checking on other's people's lives and news feeds,
and every other excuse to not live my own life.

Yes, I still love people in my lives. Yes, I still love my job and what I do.
But I was spending more time looking at other people's lives, and not living my own.
I was content to live vicariously through social media. I, of course, felt sorry for myself because my life hasn't made as much progress, or isn't as important, or I'm not as successful, and the list of insecurities goes on. It wasn't anything anyone said-solely my own thought processes.
And that's not true! None of this is true!
Each and every one of us is making progress-that is the entirety of our purpose here on earth.
We are all important and worthy children of God.
And we are successful. We chose to come here and gained these bodies, and we are here.
There is so much good in the world, and I want to experience it.
And I don't need a social media site to prove that I'm doing something with my life.
I just need me, and whoever is willing to come along for the ride.

[An update on my life: I work at Cardon Outreach. I am a patient advocate that handles workers comp claims for one of our New York clients. I am active in my YSA ward, and I have a calling as the Compassionate Service Coordinator. I volunteer with the Village Project for the Salt Lake County Juvenile Courts. I am training to run Ragnar Wasatch Back in June. I will attend SLCC in the fall. I'm still very single, and I attend the temple weekly.]

For those who miss my positive posts on the FB-here will be your uplifting vibes from yours truly.
So please, share away for those who don't have my blog saved.
And maybe if I start losing weight and sticking to my attempts at lifestyle changes, I'll post that progress too.
Mostly, this is just my life and my journey to loving myself and living the life I was given.

I am beautiful//

New Year, new goal to not neglect my blog.

Truth be told, the past couple of months have been really rough. 

Actually, 2014 was really rough.

 And I chose to not be gracious and embrace, but I kept blinders on and my heart closed. 

2014 was a year of healing, of hurting. 

A year of learning, persevering, and breathing only because it would be harder not to.

I chose to be angry and hurt, 

and I closed off my heart to everyone-including my God.

Along with all of this bogus (because that's what it really was, bogus),
I of course learned the art of hating myself.
And with hating myself, I hated my body.
Which I can tell you right now is the most welcoming situation for Satan and his angels to enter in and reek havoc on the mind and body that God Almighty gave us-not them.

Unfortunately, I have learned and now know that I'm not the only one who has felt like this and had to struggle with this. 

Missionaries returning home

-whether they had to return early, or they served the expected 18-24 months-

face the struggle of the bliss and heartache of missionary work and adjust to real life.

 Pre-mi's will say they want to serve a mission to share their happiness with others. 

But I feel most any one who has served a mission knows 

that the Lord calls us for ourselves. 

Yes, we serve to bring others to Christ.

 But a mission is the greatest spiritual work shop created. And I want to be a missionary again for my own selfish reasons-to chase and feel that again.

It's not just with missionaries.
It's with the ones who had one negative word spoken about them, probably back when they were 8 years old, that has continued to eat at and grow self-hatred and disgust.
It's the high school girl who can never keep up with the competing girls, and hides instead of blossoms.
Or the high school boy who would give anything to show one of these girls how truly special she is, but is rejected for not being 'her type'.
It's the college student that is going nuts with classes, social life, and being themselves without the safety of their family and their hometown.
It's the young single adults that know that the next step is to get married, but already throwing in the towel assuming they aren't good enough for the best.
It's the newly weds, the not-so-newly weds, and the 'more experienced' ones
who feel unworthy to be married to their spouse, have the children they have, or be who they are.
It's the cancer patients and survivors that fret over their altered body that may be lopsided or different from how it was.

Self esteem is such a large part of our lives

--in fact, it can dictate the entire course of our lives-- 

and we try to ignore and mask it.

 I'll be the first to admit that self esteem has never been my forte. 

I've been the girl who was called ugly so long ago, and continues to let that unworthiness grow and royally take over my life. 

The happiest I ever have been was on my mission, and I am understanding the reason why.

 I was floating on my confidence in God, and in His message. 

My confidence in my Heavenly Father 

spilled into my own self confidence 

because I was allowing myself to feel His love, 

and to just be His daughter.

I was content being His servant and submitting my will to His. 

Part of submitting my will to His, was seeing myself as He sees me...

We are nothing without God, so we must involve Him in our being something.

So what do we do with this? What do we do with the fact that Satan is trying with every ounce of energy he has to defeat us and to gain control of our bodies?
To think that Satan has no control when our self esteem is defeated is an illusion.
Our agency and our ability to act and change the world is reflected by how we view ourselves. The greatest way to defeat this feeling is to serve others,
but what do we do when we don't even feel we can do that?

My 2015 resolution, and main goal, is to love myself. 

It is to understand my worth, my real worth.

It is to find myself beautiful, 

to find beauty in my life, 

and to look for and acknowledge beauty in those around me. 

My goal is to love myself as God loves me, 

in the capacity that I can being a mortal. 

I have already noticed a difference as I started my diligent pursuit a couple of weeks ago, 

and how my life has changed in that short time. 

My goal is to align my will with God, 

to gain my confidence in Him

and to respect and love my mind, my spirit, and my body the way that He would have me do it. 

God does love us, He sent His Son Jesus Christ because of that love. 

And how it must hurt Him that we push that love away and put barriers around our hearts. 

Jesus Christ has already paid for 

the infirmities, afflictions, sins, weaknesses, and imperfections we have

-then why are we continuing to hold onto them? 

Why do we deny the Savior the opportunity to fulfill His purpose by sanctifying us?

We are all beautiful, in our own distinct and unique way.
We are all worthy to be loved, because we have a perfect God who loves us.
We are His children, and we are created by Him.
It's about time we start to grasp this, and allow others to feel this as well.

Special thanks to: the book "why i don't hide my freckles anymore; prospectives on true beauty"
-edited by LaNae Valentine and Lisa Tensmeyer Hansen

#usekindness 
#bebeautiful
#usetheinternetforgood

dating?

3 months.
Sorry about it... I work so much I barely see my mom, and it's usually as I am leaving to go to work or returning home from work and getting ready for bed. And that's my mom. Unfortunately, I have epically neglected my friends, my family, and my social life. But I want you all to know that I'm doing okay, and I'm happier now than I have been in a really long time.

No, I don't have a boyfriend. ain't nobody got time for that.
No, I'm not in school. but it's coming soon.
No, I haven't run away to North Dakota. i'm still here in Utah.
I have come to a new understanding.

I am learning to love and embrace my life right now. I am learning to embrace who I am right now. I am learning to embrace how I am right now.
My mind is always moving 300 mph in multiple directions. Sometimes it seems like my brain is on a round about and I just throw random things out during the crazy curve. I hit a stop light just with enough time to study my scriptures and rest my body, and the dawn breaks and I'm at it again.

[as for my health, some days are still better than others.

some days I feel 18, some days 22,

and most days at least 50.

but I'm relying more on the Lord

 to accomplish what I need to,

and to make me rest while I can.

He knows my heart, and we're in a mutual agreement.]

Anyways, the number one thing I am asked now that I'm home and no longer in the awkward green RM stage (which I sometimes dip my toes in that water pretty often), is if I am dating anyone.
The conversation usually goes like this...

'Where did you serve? How long have you been home?'

I served in South Dakota, and I absolutely loved it. I got home in February, so about 8 months.

'Oh, so you're finally adjusting. Are you dating anyone?'

No, I'm not. I'm just rolling through life.

'Oh. You're not dating... So what do you want to do with your life? Do you want to get married?'

......

(enter Nacho Libre-'man, get that corn outta my face!')

I don't know what it is about sisters serving missions and the idea that we don't want to get married. But holy cow guys-yes, I want to get married.
Yes, I'm doing something with my life. It's called strengthening my relationship with my God. No, I didn't serve a mission because I couldn't get married and I had nothing better to do. I served because I had the desire too, and God saw it fit for me to serve a full time missionary.
No, I'm not avoiding marriage or dates. Dating is hard.

The truth is, I want what every girl has dreamt of since she could talk-I want someone who adores me. I want someone who accepts my flaws and my imperfections. I want someone who is patient with me and understands that sometimes I'm not all that rational-but I'm worth it. But it's not all about finding that man to adore me; it's about allowing someone else in, allowing someone to adore me.

I'm doing just that, and it's with my Heavenly Father. I'm allowing Him to accept my flaws and my imperfections. I'm allowing Him to be patient with me. I'm allowing Him to understand that I'm not always rational, but He knows, oh how He knows that I am worth it. I am allowing Him to adore me.

 

Now, this does not mean that I am joining a convent and becoming a nun. ain't nobody got time for that either. But it does mean that my heart is with My God.

every girl wants to be pretty.

really, everyone wants to be considered attractive.

I know my most attractive attribute will be

my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

And I have found more happiness

and beauty

by joining with Him to make my life all it can be.

 

I am striving to be the girl whose heart is so close with God

that a man must draw nearer to Him to get to me.

Because the triangle...

                                                                             God

                                                                                /\

                                                                              /    \

                                                                            /        \

                                                                          /            \

                                                                        /                \

                                                                 Husband------Wife

...is really what it's all about.

 

So yes. I'm single.

Yes. I want to get married.

Yes. I am dating.

No. I'm not desperate.

No. I'm not only looking to get married right away.

And yes, I do love my God.

 

There ya have it, folks. There's my shpeel on life lately.

Now, pass this on to the old people that assume I'll be forever alone.

Happy 6 months!

Obviously my blogging skills have taken a blow. So I'm doing this a day early, because we all know I won't be doing it tomorrow!

6 months ago tomorrow, I returned home from my mission. I had 3 days to prepare myself, pack, and say my goodbyes to the people I loved with all my heart. My first 3 months of being home were spent in anger, sadness, and longing to return to the mission field as a full-time missionary. I cried every day, I blocked the world out knowing I'd return to mission rules. I avoided people, put an expiration date on my being home, and lived in the future and the past-anything but the present.

The last 3 months have been a bit different. I miss my mission every single day. I miss being a missionary, I miss wearing my name tag. I miss the stress of other's receiving the Restored Gospel more than my own salvation. I miss having that mantle. I miss being recognized as a Representative of Jesus Christ just by seeing the black tag attached to my clothing. I miss being happy. But I have also come to realize, that this is all the Lord's will. And my accepting of it has allowed me to grow and do His work the way He wants it done-not how I think it should be done. He knows, oh He knows better than anyone how badly I wished to return to my mission. He knows the pain I've felt, my heart being ripped in two. He knows the tears I've shed, the embarrassment I've born, the frustration I have with my body and my situation. He knows what I want. Yet, He has loved me enough to continue to show me what He wants, and that what He wants is infinitely more powerful and meaningful than what I want. I had a hard time understanding, because if what I want is to do His will, why isn't He letting me do it? I have righteous desires, I have meaningful goals. What I failed to see is that if I am really wanting to do His will, if I really have righteous desires, if I really have meaningful goals, then I need to trust in His will, His desires, and His goals for me. If I am really His servant and representative, why am I fighting Him every step of the way? Why have I been so close minded to think that I can't be happy being home like I was in the mission field? Why have I been so angry when I have been doing as He asked of me specifically?
I am doing missionary work at home. I am providing others with opportunities to return to live with their Father in Heaven. I am helping others to see and feel the love of God. I have an awesome opportunity to be with my family, and help strengthen them. I volunteer as a youth mentor, helping youth who haven't had good examples to change, to see that just because you have had a bad past does not mean you need to have a bad future. I am not perfect, and the Lord is helping me to remember this and act on this every single day.
I am learning to pay attention to my body, to provide it with the things it needs. I am learning to pay attention to my spirit, and to provide it with the things it needs. I am standing as a representative of Jesus Christ in my words, my actions, and my thoughts. I am learning, as every person does, that it is possible to maintain God's law in a world which hates and discriminates against it. It is possible to be His in the midst of a world who hates, despises, and rejects Him.
Aside from being in the temple, I'm sure that Satan works against me every second of every minute of every day. I feel his attacks constantly. But, I feel God's presence more. I feel His love, His hand, His help. I recognize there is darkness-I have just chosen not to dwell in it.

These past 6 months have been quite an experience. I am continuing to learn more about myself and God's love for me. I am continuing to learn who I am, and find who I am. Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing it alone. But I know I am never left unattended.
I wouldn't trade my 11 months and 3 weeks in the mission field for anything. I also wouldn't trade the last 6 months for anything.. I would be coming home in 4 weeks with the missionaries I started my journey with. I came home when the Lord needed me to. I served Him fully, and with my whole heart. I was honorably released. And now, I am continuing to learn how I can serve him in a different position of His royal army. I am no longer pretending to be who I was before, and I am starting to be who I am now.

I love my Savior Jesus Christ. I love my Heavenly Father, and I know without a doubt that They love me. I am a daughter of the Almighty God who created all things, and He has great things in store for me, and each of us as His children. I know that all is in God's hands, and even though I may be stubborn and bossy and fight it at times, I know He is in charge. I know that the Atonement is real, and because of Jesus Christ, I am healed and cleansed. I know that every single one of us can change and become something better than we ever could on our own with the Atonement. I know Jesus Christ is the Only Begotten Son of God. I know that the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ, and it is true. Because of that truth, Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and Thomas S. Monson is the prophet today. I know that these men are imperfect, but God has chosen them and will continue to guide them in guiding us. I know that families can be together forever, and I cannot wait to have my eternal family. I am so excited to be a mother and a wife, in building God's kingdom. I know that things don't always go according to my plan, but they will always go according to His. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, and I will lay down my life defending His name.